My Baby Girl Turns 1 Today

My little baby was born one year ago today. It is 12:30 & my water broke around 1 AM. She was born around 4PM after long hours of back labor. What else in life can we go through that is so uncomfortable but we willingly do it again? The gift I was given that day is unbelievable. There is no way to measure the love I have for the precious girl I laugh and smile with daily. My husband and I have walked around like zombies over the past year, freaked out over ridiculous things, claimed multiple times that there is no way we could handle another baby, but we wouldn’t trade the past year for anything, not even sleep. We have spent the past year and more having conversation after conversation about medicines, birth, vaccines, midwives, doulas, Strep B, mainstream people, blood, pediatricians, needles, Hypnobabies, my inability to relax, hippies, SIDS, my husband’s inability to function like a normal person when hungry or tired, what would happen to Isla if we both passed away, baby clothes, diapers, doggy bootcamp, diaper cream, and probably about a million other things. We spent a million hours going through research online and reading books about pregnancy, birth, and babies. We made decisions for our family and armed ourselves for the questions from those who love us and those who only believe in the masses.

Isla went from crying all the time to laughing and running away from me when she’s doing something she shouldn’t. I turn my face and laugh realizing that I may suck a little with discipline. She has learned to wave and say hi and bye. She says thank you and hands you objects when you hold out your hand. The best trick, like we have trained her like an animal, is giving kisses. If you know me well, you can assume this is my favorite moment in life every time. 

The next few years could bring anything, it is not in my control, but my goal is to raise the happiest little girl. She should learn how her life is wonderful and filled with so much love. Her curiosities will teach her about the world while our efforts ensure that she only learns a peaceful one. My husband and I just watched the video of Isla asleep the day she was born. We had no idea, simply could not comprehend at the time, how much light and love she would bring into our lives. Nothing has ever felt so genuine or pure. 

Happy Breastfeeding Week!

Time has flown by these past couple of months. My baby suddenly turned into a crawling machine. I spend most days chasing her around the house, picking up any piece anything so she won't eat it, and laughing at her hilarious personality. It's funny, I thought as Isla grew older I would find more time. But she plays independently, right? She does, but she's everywhere and loves attention. I can't complain, I love giving her attention.

It's World Breastfeeding Week! I can't think of a better reason to celebrate. Women can celebrate their ability to make milk. It's kind of a superpower. That along with making a human. Women can also celebrate their breastfeeding journey & feel proud for what they have accomplished.

Isla latched on directly after birth like a pro. I remember her little body curled up against mine and she was rooting instinctively. It was strange, ya know? You think of animals, fuzzy ones, doing things instinctively, not humans. She did what most every baby does, she ate, she fell asleep while eating. I did what most first time moms do…I stressed and thought she was going to starve. I put cold clothes on her feet, rubbed her cheek, tickled her belly, anything just to try to wake her. It was different, this little bitty person depended on me for nourishment. We did not have formula, I refused to buy it, and I knew it would be difficult, but I'm not sure I knew exactly why. We read books, I read blogs, and in the moment I forgot everything.

Two weeks out or so, I called my doula. I asked questions like:

When will she stop nursing so much, like every hour and when will I sleep? When will I walk comfortably? When will this get better? My boobs are like boulders, they hurt, should I pump it all out? Why is the milk yellow? What's that layer? OMG, her poop is green! OMG, her poop is orange!

My boobs were huge. They were hard, and I'm pretty sure they were past the normal AA-DD scale for some time there in the beginning. Not only that, my nipples changed, that was weird. Why don't they tell you your nipples change in the books? It's something I would like to know ahead of time & it is something I would rather not ask someone. When will my nipples go back? No thanks.

Breastfeeding is a superpower. If you deny that then you have never breastfed. A friend of mine recently posted that she has been breastfeeding for over 60 months. Seriously, that's awesome. I would personally like a break between children, but she's a much more determined person than myself. It is a lot of responsibility nursing a little one. I'm constantly watching what I eat and eating all the time. They suck it out of you & if you haven't eaten enough it becomes obvious very quickly. The body of a nursing mom is working all the time, using energy to make this white gold. I'm on a time limit when I am away. There is about a 3 hour window between her feedings. If she has pumped milk I give myself a few more hours and then I can pump, but then there is the timing issue. Will she eat in 2 hours or did she not get enough pumped milk and want to eat in one? How much should I pump? I feel a sense of guilt when I'm away. I know she loves nursing and I also know it's best for my supply if she does nurse. These are not negative things, not by any means. These are all wonderful things. They sound difficult but what feels so good cannot feel all that difficult.

Nursing my daughter is the most wonderful experience I have ever had. She is almost 12 months and I plan to continue until we are both ready to stop. Not only is it best for her, but it's best for me. She nurses to sleep and I tear up almost every night watching her. I want to nurse my baby to sleep. Yes, she demands it and rarely falls sleep without nursing, but that is a blessing. I am her comfort, she is my high. I always know when she's tired because she pulls her hair, and I know when she is not tired because she will tap me on the chest or pinch my neck. It is a bond like no other. My husband thinks I am a weirdo for some of the things I say about nursing or do while she nurses. I make him watch when something is funny or cute. He sometimes agrees and sometimes gives me an odd look. He will never understand and I love that about it. Not that he doesn't get to feel it, but because it is natural and personal, this bond that we have.

So happy breastfeeding week to all the other mommas out there! And happy feeding week to all those who cannot breastfeed. We are all doing the best we can & what we know is best for our babes.